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Rose
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PostSubject: Vagina Hilarity   Wed Nov 19, 2008 10:47 am

I thought this was hysterical. So much so that I bookmarked Jesebel.com and am sharing the whole thing with you here.

Quote :
Where Garlic Has Never Gone Before: Or, How Not To Cure A Yeast Infection

I love garlic. I love it roasted and spread on bread; blended into rich aioli; mixed with sauces and seasoning braises and stews. But you know what combo I don't like? Garlic and vagina. Here's the deal.


When one gets yeast infections easily — at the first whiff of an antibiotic or the slightest weakening of the immunities — you know the early warning signs, a slight burning itch that predates the proverbial "cottage-cheese-like discharge" (ew) by a few days. When I felt it the other night, I cursed my bad luck: I didn't feel like the hassle of calling the doctor and dreaded the chemical burn of the Monistat egg. (I like the little egg.) In any event, the pharmacy was closed for the night.

I took to the internet, hoping to find a useful home remedy. And, as is generally the case with homeopathic remedies, the answer was garlic — which, if you believe some of these sites, is prevented from conquering penicillin only due to sinister medical conspiracies involving drug companies. Having, on the internet's advice, attempted placing a garlic clove in my ear (ear infection) and eating raw cloves (a cold) in the past with no great rate of success, I was dubious. But I was eager to stop the infection in its tracks, and lord knows I had a full braid of garlic in the kitchen. What did I have to lose? Besides, I liked the idea of brewing my own cures and outwitting the medical industry with ancient female know-how.

According to the various sites I consulted, the treatment was no more complicated than slipping in a peeled clove and going to bed. Said Midwifery Today, with authority, "the reason that the treatment is done at bedtime is that there is a connection between the mouth and the vagina. The moment the garlic is placed in the vagina, the taste of the garlic travels up to the mouth. Most people will find this strong flavor annoying during the day, so the treatment is recommended for nighttime. " As someone who's never fully understood why lead can't be turned into gold, this explanation made complete sense to me. Although a few sites recommended wrapping the garlic in a bit of cheesecloth, I deemed this a frill. Besides, I didn't have any cheesecloth handy and was sick of bringing cheese into the conversation.

Luckily my boyfriend was working a night shift; I can think of few things less erotic than slipping into bed with intimate love on your mind and coming into contact with a garlic clove in someone's vaginal canal, like a secret vampire deterrent or something. I tossed and turned. I fancied I could feel the garlic moving through my body to my mouth. I could smell it. I had a garlic clove up my vagina.

At three a.m. I leapt up, furious. The garlic was not working! I decided to up the dosage, which apparently meant chopping a clove in half so the antioxidant juices could better make contact. First I had to get the old one out, which was no easy matter; the garlic clove had migrated. I had a moment of panic when I was convinced I'd never be able to retrieve it. I managed to do so only by means of complicated muscle exercises which do not bear getting into but will doubtless come in handy should I ever need to birth a baby, After this narrow escape, I decided to wrap the new, higher dosage in — well, I didn't have any cheesecloth, so I used a clean scrap of vintage handkerchief. I went back to bed. And, then, the garlic hit. It was agony — far, far worse burning than anything I'd ever experienced from Monistat — which hurts. I stuck it out for three minutes or so, then could bear it no longer. Luckily the tail of cloth I had made facilitated things this time around.

The experiment was over; it had been an abject failure —or I had. The next day, two showers, a bath and a dose of Monistat later, I was on the mend. But when I went to my mom's house for dinner and she produced chicken with forty cloves of garlic...my appetite was diminished.


Last edited by Sassenach on Wed Nov 19, 2008 10:51 am; edited 1 time in total
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Rose
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PostSubject: Re: Vagina Hilarity   Wed Nov 19, 2008 10:49 am

Oh, and this is the blog that led me there, from Real World gay guy, Dan Renzi. It's good, too.
Quote :

THE V



Having never actually experienced a vagina in person, other than the one from which I was birthed, I have long been fascinated by the apparatus. Whist I received only a "B" in my college anatomy & physiology class, I received a 94% on the female reproductive system section, due to my relentless learning-related information quests.

Today I read this post about natural home remedies for ladyparts infections. Read that post, and then come back here if you wish to continue with the vajajay talk. If you're not interested in the topic (how could you NOT be??) then no need to continue on.

So if the vagina is connected to the mouth, as she says, if a person performs oral sex on your vajajay and s/he has bad breath, can you taste it? What about if s/he just enjoyed a mint--is the experience minty fresh?

What about flavored condoms for intercourse? Do they work?

And why not make flavored tampons? You could enjoy a nice fruity bubble gum, perhaps a relaxing chamomile tea, all day.

Get a little pick-me-up in the morning with a cup-of-coffee tampon. "My vagina is AWAKE!"

You shouldn't put anything sugary in there; sugar is a conducive ingredient in the cultivation of yeast. But a nice sugar-free flavoring would be nice.

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Zvon
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PostSubject: Re: Vagina Hilarity   Wed Nov 19, 2008 5:43 pm

Quote :
....and lord knows I had a full braid of garlic in the kitchen. What did I have to lose?

Me thinks she's just looking for an excuse to play with her vagina.

Quote :
Having never actually experienced a vagina in person, other than the one from which I was birthed, I have long been fascinated by the apparatus. Whist I received only a "B" in my college......

I couldn't get past this part.
He's in college and he hasn't looked a vagina in the face yet.
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Rose
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PostSubject: Re: Vagina Hilarity   Wed Nov 19, 2008 6:16 pm

He's 34 actually...but he's gay, so it's ok.

giggle
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baldar77
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PostSubject: Re: Vagina Hilarity   Wed Nov 19, 2008 7:00 pm

I had a similar experience once with a home remedy.....not with my vagina, because I don't have one, but with it's counterpart of the male anatomy. I was in the Air Force at the time, and during a heated basketball game, I made a jump shot. There were only a few seconds on the clock, and the score was tied, and this was the shot that would make me a hero. Alas, it was not to be.....some 250 lb gorilla collided into me at the apex of my shot, flipped me over, and as I landed, I did the splits. I have never felt more agony. I couldn't even make the two free throws....another guy did that, and became the hero of the game. But, as I could barely walk back to the showers, the trainer told me to put ice on my inner thigh, the muscle that was pulled, and then go home, and put sports cream on it....the kind that makes it feel like you're burning up. I did this, but I inadvertantly got some on a more sensitive part. Within two minutes, I would have sworn there had been caustic acid dripped on me, and followed up with a propane torch. My wife was laughing too hard to be of any help, but I did have a glass of iced tea on the dresser, which I promptly used to quell the fire on the circumsized part of me. I must say, Lipton tea was the best home remedy I have ever tried.
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Bam
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PostSubject: Re: Vagina Hilarity   Thu Nov 20, 2008 12:35 am

Ewwwwwwwwww... and Owwwwwwwwwwww
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Zvon
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PostSubject: Re: Vagina Hilarity   Fri Nov 21, 2008 12:26 am

baldar77 wrote:
I had a similar experience once with a home remedy.....not with my vagina, because I don't have one, but with it's counterpart of the male anatomy. I was in the Air Force at the time, and during a heated basketball game, I made a jump shot. There were only a few seconds on the clock, and the score was tied, and this was the shot that would make me a hero. Alas, it was not to be.....some 250 lb gorilla collided into me at the apex of my shot, flipped me over, and as I landed, I did the splits. I have never felt more agony. I couldn't even make the two free throws....another guy did that, and became the hero of the game. But, as I could barely walk back to the showers, the trainer told me to put ice on my inner thigh, the muscle that was pulled, and then go home, and put sports cream on it....the kind that makes it feel like you're burning up. I did this, but I inadvertantly got some on a more sensitive part. Within two minutes, I would have sworn there had been caustic acid dripped on me, and followed up with a propane torch. My wife was laughing too hard to be of any help, but I did have a glass of iced tea on the dresser, which I promptly used to quell the fire on the circumsized part of me. I must say, Lipton tea was the best home remedy I have ever tried.

These are the kind of lil slice of life stories I love.
Hey pal, your a hero in my book.
You took one for the team.

That musta been funny to see tho,...when you landed.

I'd tell you my baseball/broken finger story, where the treament/advice administered by an actual doctor
left me deformed and unable to ever don a wedding ring, but its boring because it doesn't involve splits and penis's.
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Rose
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PostSubject: Re: Vagina Hilarity   Fri Nov 21, 2008 9:11 am

Gotta love the penis and vagina stories.
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baldar77
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PostSubject: Re: Vagina Hilarity   Fri Nov 21, 2008 7:05 pm

There doesn't even have to be a story associated with them. I, for one, LOVE my penis. Never a dearer friend have I had in my entire life. From my earliest memories, he was always there to keep me company, be a friend to me, entertain me when I was bored, and add excitement to my life in various experiences. He has always stood tall for me, never tried to default on me, gave me status among my peers and paramours, and has been admired for his stature and stamina in no less than seven countries worldwide. Yes, I admit, he has grown older, become a little stooped in his advancing years, a little less robust....but even with these small handicaps, he was always still willing to run the race, fight to the finish, test the taskmaker! Hard on him though life has been, he will still rise to the occasion when called upon, and do his best to comfort me, and others, when requested. In recent months, I thought to help him out in his quest to please others, for even the strongest among us will eventually tire, and falter. I decided to help with a new vitamin recently marketed called "Cialis". The effect was dramatic! Like a small child in an amusement park, he could not run fast enough to see all the sights beholden to him. The energy expended by his newfound lifeblood could power a small locomotive. It is always comforting to one to know that he has befriended a friend, and that the friend is ready to befriend him back.
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Rose
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PostSubject: Re: Vagina Hilarity   Fri Nov 21, 2008 7:19 pm

lol You know another great thing about a penis is earning 27% more than a penis challenged person.
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baldar77
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PostSubject: Re: Vagina Hilarity   Fri Nov 21, 2008 7:28 pm

I challenge that statement.
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Rose
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PostSubject: Re: Vagina Hilarity   Fri Nov 21, 2008 8:18 pm

Why wouldn't you with such a challenging penis? Consider that statement slapped across the face with a white glove.
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Zvon
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PostSubject: Re: Vagina Hilarity   Sat Nov 22, 2008 8:04 am

baldar77 wrote:
There doesn't even have to be a story associated with them. I, for one, LOVE my penis. Never a dearer friend have I had in my entire life. From my earliest memories, he was always there to keep me company, be a friend to me, entertain me when I was bored, and add excitement to my life in various experiences. He has always stood tall for me, never tried to default on me, gave me status among my peers and paramours, and has been admired for his stature and stamina in no less than seven countries worldwide. Yes, I admit, he has grown older, become a little stooped in his advancing years, a little less robust....but even with these small handicaps, he was always still willing to run the race, fight to the finish, test the taskmaker! Hard on him though life has been, he will still rise to the occasion when called upon, and do his best to comfort me, and others, when requested. In recent months, I thought to help him out in his quest to please others, for even the strongest among us will eventually tire, and falter. I decided to help with a new vitamin recently marketed called "Cialis". The effect was dramatic! Like a small child in an amusement park, he could not run fast enough to see all the sights beholden to him. The energy expended by his newfound lifeblood could power a small locomotive. It is always comforting to one to know that he has befriended a friend, and that the friend is ready to befriend him back.

lmao.

Fax me some of that.
My penis is starting to fall asleep while I masturbate.
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